i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
