So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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