i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
