I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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