woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i came on her dog
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
