apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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