You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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