that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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