I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
