Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
