my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
