we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
