I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
