I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
