dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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