I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
