My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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