me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
