I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
