if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
