I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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