In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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