I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
