Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
