Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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