His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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