Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
