Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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