There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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