I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
