You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
