you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
