i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
