Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
