I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
