Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
