I just saw a hot homeless man
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
