why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
