I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
