Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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