babies were throwing up all over the place
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
