i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
