that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
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