the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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