I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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