last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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