Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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