I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So here I am, sexting at work.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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