I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
