The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
